OLNR Bible: Mastering Unconditional Love & Open Communication, Chapter 2: Foundations Of OLNR
I. Unconditional Love
“Unconditional Love,” as defined in OLNR is one’s genuine desire and wanting for their beloved’s happiness, well-being and actualization. Thus, clearly defined as the following:
- “Genuine desire” is the intrinsic and sincere wish for, out of the natural byproduct of love. It’s an earnest wanting without requisite for it to be reciprocated. It demonstrates itself naturally without obligation, pretense, or effort.
- “Actualization” is the becoming into fruition of one’s wants, goals or desires.
Conditional Vs. Unconditional Love
Unconditional love is love one maintains for another without adding stipulations outside of their personhood. Adding stipulations for love to be given is a conditional type of love.
Unconditional Love In Practice
Behaviors that prevent another from their pursuing their desire, well-being and actualization are demonstrations of lack of love.
The “lack of love” notion exists because though love may exist, one’s personal requisites or insecurities are insurmountable.
Examples of these behaviors that prohibit another’s pursuit of happiness and actualization are things like jealousy and possessiveness.
What does demonstrate unconditional love are, by definition, things that show you genuinely desire, want, and support what makes them happy, fulfilled and actualized – regardless of whether you’re involved.
i.e. supporting their personal goals, encouraging their aspirations, offering assistance, celebrating and acknowledging achievements, actively listening, validating their emotions, honoring their choices, respecting their autonomy, encouraging their growth, facilitating opportunities, etc.
This “genuine” part plays a key role as it requires no effort to demonstrate love if it’s genuine. “Showing” of love that requires effort is a result of disingenuity and is questionable and warrants scrutiny.
II. Nonjudgmental Acceptance
Nonjudgmental Acceptance is the appreciation that each person is an individual and insisting on their individualism without criticism or prejudice.
While partners may engage in agreements, contracts and obligations, must recognize their individual wants, desires and preferences as first-considered and therefore must involve clauses so no parties are in the relationship based on toleration.
Toleration is the arrogance one presumes to allow something to occur despite their not liking the behavior. It’s a juxtaposition to the notion of acceptance wherein while toleration is one’s dislike for that behavior therefore having to tolerate it, acceptance is being at peace with their personhood and judgments against it.
Determinism and Compassion
Our thoughts, feelings, actions and the resulting behaviors and circumstances are the inevitable results of a complex interplay between genetics, neurobiology, and environmental influences that are beyond our conscious control.
- Biological Determinism – we’re predominantly shaped by our genetics and developmental processes which result in our neurochemical configuration, hormonal profiles/fluctuations, and brain circuitry that all influence our behaviors.
- Environmental Influence – our upbringing, cultures, and social interactions mold our perceptions and reactions. Trauma, education, and societal norms significantly contribute to how we think and act.
- Lack of Free Will – since we have no control over any of the things that shape us right down to our brain configuration, neuronal activities, hormonal profiles, environmental influences, all down to the millisecond when we manufacture decisions, our behaviors are predetermined by everything preceding it.
The nonjudgmental acceptance that each individual comes with their sets of circumstances, very little or none of which they’ve no control, allows you deep compassion in appreciation of the other person as entirely individual.
Intoleration
Nonjudgmental Acceptance requires ‘intolerance.’ This is not to say “unaccepting.” To be intolerating is to not be tolerant in the relationship. Nonjudgmental acceptance makes it clear that either one is wholly accepting or intolerating. This means the things one accepts, one does so wholly and completely. The things one doesn’t accept neither requires their participation nor the expectation of collaboration.
III. Open Communication
Open communication is the facility of each party’s ability to communicate openly without fear of emotional blackmail, psychological or emotional punishment.
1. Facilitating Each Party’s Ability to Communicate Openly
- Facility refers to the ease and readiness which communication can occur. This implies that communication is open, accessible, and encouraged.
- “Each party’s ability…” emphasizes the [active] encouragement of practicing fearless, worry-free, nonjudgmentally accepted communication and expression.
- “Communicate Openly” means to ‘commune’ – to share thoughts, feelings, desires, concerns, experiences honestly and transparently, without withholding information or resorting to deception.
Every party should feel comfortable and empowered to speak their mind freely. Open communication is not just about talking. It’s about creating an environment where transparent dialogue is the norm, and everyone feels safe to express themselves without hesitation.
2. Without Fear of Emotional Blackmail
- Fear indicates an emotional barrier that inhibits open communication. If individuals are afraid of negative consequences, they’re less likely to share openly.
- Emotional Blackmail is a manipulative tactic where someone uses guilt, fear, obligation, or threats to control another person’s behavior or decisions.
It’s crucial that partners can communicate without worrying that their honesty will be used against them. They shouldn’t fear that sharing their true feelings will lead to manipulation, coercion, or guilt-tripping. The absence of emotional blackmail ensures that all parties can be authentic without apprehension.
3. Without Fear of Psychological or Emotional Punishment
- Psychological Punishment includes actions that harm an individual’s mental well-being such as gaslighting, shaming, or undermining their self-esteem.
- Emotional Punishment refers to responses that cause emotional distress such as the silent treatment, withdrawal of affection, or explosive anger.
Open communication requires a safe space where partners know that expressing their thoughts and feelings won’t result in punitive reactions. They should not have to brace themselves for negative emotional consequences when they share openly.